Why I Won't Go to Africa to Help with the Ebola Crisis

As a nursing student, each month I participate in a small-group, interdisciplinary ethics meeting with nursing students, medical students, a chaplain, a nurse, and a doctor.  Last week the topic for discussion was the ebola crisis; the question posed was, “Would you go to Africa to help with the ebola crisis?”  Some people said no, with the reasons ranging from “I don’t feel qualified” to “I don’t want to go in blind – we don’t know enough about the virus and how it’s transmitted.”  Some people said yes, they probably would go, because as healthcare professionals we are to help and care for people.  I said I would consider it. 

After some discussion and after others in the group had elaborated on why or why not they would go, the doctor who was facilitating turned to me.  “Allison, you said you would consider it.  Why did you say that?”

My heart started beating fast, and my face was warm.  Not because I was nervous, but because this topic gets emotional for me.  I began slowly and almost made it through my reasoning without my voice quivering and giving away my emotion.  You see, I learned a lot about caring for peoples’ health needs in other countries this summer.  You may have noticed I have been absent from blogging for quite a while, and that is because when I came home from Cambodia in August, I had much more to unpack than dirty socks and underwear.  I had a summer full of memories in a foreign hospital that was severely under-resourced in many different ways.  The past few months have been a season of emotional unpacking, wrestling with the “why’s” of seeing preventable suffering and death, and questioning God’s goodness.  This summer I felt completely overwhelmed by the sickness and brokenness in the hospital, watching a beautiful people group made in God’s image lay on metal bed frames in sickness and suffering.  I have never hit my breaking point and then been pushed past it so many times in my life.

But God is faithful.  After some nudging from a counselor, I explored the “why” questions that so bothered me about this summer’s experience in the hospital.

First, why did God let me see what I saw?  What was the purpose of seeing the suffering, the deaths, the tears of family losing a loved one to what I knew was a preventable disease?  The cold reality is that the suffering would have happened if I had seen it or not.  So why did God choose for me to witness it?

The answer came quietly one day while I sat weeping and remembering the patients I had seen.  I was sitting alone – because the weeping was easier alone, and no one in the world knew exactly what I had experienced, seen, observed, worked in.  I felt desperate and detached much of the time with my emotions and memories and grief.  It was too big for me, and it overwhelmed me.  I could not comprehend the suffering or the health disparity between developing countries and the United States.  As I sat on the floor with tissues beside me, I asked over and over again, “Why? Why did you let me see that?”  And the Lord answered.

Because I am there.  I am there in the hospital.  I see the suffering, and I grieve.  Yet I am bigger than all the suffering and all the good.  For years you have marveled at My love because your mind cannot comprehend it.  Now, you marvel at the amount of suffering that exists and My ability to grieve compassionately for each and every person.  I am bigger than all of it, Allison; the suffering is too deep for you to grasp, and so is my love.  On both ends of the spectrum, I am bigger.  I hold both things in my heart: intense love and intense care for the suffering.  You saw these things because I am there, and I have invited you into this part of my heart, too: the part where I see each person’s suffering and pain and grieve for them.

Leading up to the summer it was my prayer that each day I would know the Lord better at the end of the day than at the beginning.  He granted that prayer.  I never would have asked to be ushered into this part of God’s heart, but He chose to bring me in anyway. 

And I know Him more intimately for it.
 

The second “why” question I asked was, “Why does suffering like this happen at all?”  I knew the church answer: because humans sinned, and the world is broken.  But when the images of beautiful Khmer people hurting and memories of suffering came back to haunt me, this answer was far from enough.  I believed God was sovereign.  Never did I doubt that.  But since He was sovereign, why did He allow this suffering?  I only saw an inkling of what goes on in Cambodia, much less the world.  He could not let this happen and still be good.  He was sovereign.  He could do something.  So I sat there on the floor praying through tears again, asking why, and rejecting the answer that it was just because of sin.

Again, the answer came quietly. 

Because you – the world – need Me.

How was this different from the answer that the world is broken due to sin?  The explanation is simple.  My answer – “we sinned and the world is broken” – ends with us.  It ends with our sin and our brokenness.  It ends with frustration, helplessness, and hopelessness.  The answer the Lord gave, though, did not end with us or with the consequences of our sins. 

It ended with Him. 

This world and all that it holds – the evil, the suffering, the good, the joys – is not about us and our brokenness.  It is about Him.  The Lord’s answer was one of hope: it ends not with us but with Him.
 

Back to ebola.  My voice wavered and my heart pounded and my face flushed because talking about healthcare in other countries stirs up strong emotions.  It brings back memories that will never be erased from my mind of people dying and ill who could have been alive and well. 

The reason that I would consider going and would not just go to Africa is because seeing people suffer and die in a developing country is extremely hard emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  When you know just as much as physicians about medical care for a disease, and you still do not know what to do to treat someone…that is one of the most helpless and overwhelming feelings that exists.

I would consider going, and I have considered and prayed about going.  Yet for now, I will not go to Africa to help with the ebola crisis because my heart is not ready for it.  After a summer in Cambodia, I am still recovering.  Maybe in the future I will go (and I believe I am called back to Cambodia in the future), but for the time being, I have to let my heart finish grieving and healing. 

Perhaps when we talk about going to Africa and the reasons we would or would not go, we are mistaken about the hardest parts of being there.  Perhaps the hardest part would not be the fear of contracting the virus or not feeling qualified to treat a patient. 

Perhaps the hardest part would be the grieving it would demand from our hearts. 

Should we shy away from this kind of grief?  No!  As I said before, I know the Lord more intimately for it.  Should we prayerfully seek the Lord as to whether we should go or stay?  Yes.  For whichever way He leads, I believe this:

We will know the Lord more intimately for it.

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For the First Time in Forever

Because there are so many things I've experienced for the first time here.

The window is open, so's that door
Unless it's raining we don't close them anymore
Good thing we use mosquito nets when it's late

For weeks I've roamed the hospital halls
Why don't they have any protocols?
Finally I'm learning about drip rates

IVs and D10 in all people
To me it's totally strange
But wow, I am getting used to this change

'Cause for the first time in forever
I gave a Scot a rabies vaccine
For the first time in forever
A vacuum delivery I've seen

Don't know if lil Stephen's elated or gassy
But he's somewhere in that zone
For the first time in forever
I have a 3-year-old bodyguard of my own

I can't wait to watch Youtubes with Enah! (gasp)
What if I watch... Peppa Pig?

Tonight imagine me marker and all
With dry erase board against the wall
Teaching about different colors, hygiene and shapes

Ooh! I suddenly see them standing there
Sunday school children at 7am already here
First I gotta stuff some eggs and rice in my face

But then we sing and learn about Jesus,
Which is totally a blast
The Sundays fly by so very fast

For the first time in forever
I've seen Vietnam, had so much fun
For the first time in forever
I've been called Vietnamese by someone

And I know it is totally crazy
Learning to speak Khmer
But for the first time in forever
There's no other way to get by

The LCC students:
Don't let her go, don't let her leave
Maybe she'll stay if I pray and just believe
Stay here, stay near, go to e-camp
Don't give your passport for the exit stamp

Me: It's been an amazing summer
LCC students: It's been an amazing summer

Me: Only a few more days to wait
LCC students: A few more days to wait

Me: It's almost time to go back to the states
LCC students: The states

Me: For the first time in forever
LCC students: Don't let her go, don't let her leave

Me: I've lived a summer I've dreamed of
LCC students: Maybe she'll stay if I pray and just believe

Me: Two months on this side of the world
LCC students: Stay here

Me: A chance to share Christ's love
LCC students: Stay here, stay near, go to e-camp

Me:
I know I go back home next week,
So I'm thankful for today
'Cause for the first time in forever
For the first time in forever
I am going to miss Kratie!

I know, this is only a somewhat informative post, but it sure is a fun one! If you have questions about any of my new experiences mentioned here, message or email me! Or ask me next week when I'm in the States!

With love,
Allison

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Freedom

As I write this, I'm sitting in the ER staff room at Kratie Referral Hospital. We are officially in the rainy season now, which means fewer patients make the trek through rain and mud to come to the hospital. Here in Cambodia, if it's raining people don't usually venture out (even teachers often cancel class because of rain). Additionally, it's the afternoon here, and in the ER afternoons are generally slower than mornings, with only 1-2 patients (usually trauma patients) typically admitted. This afternoon no new patients have arrived, so I'm taking this time to catch up on blogging!

Volunteering at the hospital continues to be a learning experience about healthcare in developing countries. Each day I'm here I learn something new! For example, today I asked if calling an ambulance was expensive and was told the patient only pays 2000 riels/kilometer ($0.50/kilo)! Sometimes the ride ends up being free because Cambodians don't carry ID's with them, so it's harder to track them down to pay after they're admitted. The hospital continues to be a place that drives me to pray continually - for the paients, their families, the staff, and my own heart as it breaks again and again when I see patient conditions and the hospital environment. I don't always understand everything about each patient's situation because of the language difference, but the signs of discomfort and anxiety need no words of explanation. Yet I am comforted that The Lord knows their language and their every need; He knows their situation - where they've been and will they will go after their hospital visit. I'm comforted by His sovereignty, and I pray He becomes their comfort, too. 

This week at Love Cambodia Center I continued my talk from a couple weeks ago about self-care, infections, and puberty. The students made paper chains representing a simplified version of the chain of infection and are also making a list of ways they've changed as they've gotten older and ways they want to change as they continue to grow up. One of my favorite parts of the day is before and after English classes, when the students are at the Center playing and talking and just hanging out. I enjoy sitting and talking with them, learning Khmer, or playing games with them!

On Sunday it was raining when Sunday school started, and no translator was available, so we watched a film in Khmer about Jesus' life (til it froze up - and then I just told the rest of the story). I'm thankful for the children who came even though it was raining, and for the youth who came to help me! And of course I'm thankful for the opportunity to share the Gospel with those little ones!

As the Fourth of July has approached, I've been thinking about freedom, not so much physically or politically since I'm not in the U.S. right now, but spiritually. As I've made my way through reading Philippians this week, one thing that stood out to me is Paul's emphasis on rejoicing. He tells the Philippian church again and again and again to rejoice. Some days it's just plain hard to rejoice. Some days I don't feel like rejoicing or feel that I am even capable of rejoicing. But Paul doesn't just say "rejoice;" he says "rejoice in the Lord." As the Lord has been teaching me over the past year, knowing Him and His love for us is in itself worth celebrating. Always. Regardless the circumstances. As Christians, we have the freedom to be "content in any and every circumstance" (Phil 4:12) and to rejoice always, for we know God, and we know He loves us. Whoa. We know God, and He loves us. This 4th of July as I celebrate our wonderful country's freedom, I'm also celebrating the freedom Christ gives to find joy in any and every circumstance! That's something worth celebrating every day.

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What Makes Me Feel Alive

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4 (ESV)

A few years ago someone explained to me that it was essential to notice that the "delight yourself in the Lord" part of the verse came first. She explained that this verse did not mean that because I was a Christian, all things I hoped for would come true. It meant that when I delighted in God, He would plant desires in my heart to match His - desires for that which is good and honoring to Him - and as my desires became aligned with the heart of God, they would be fulfilled. This is true. But in the past few weeks, I have been learning something more about the truth in this verse.


Three years ago I came to Cambodia for the first time. I came to love the country and felt the Lord calling me to further missions here. Two years ago I returned and prayed about pursuing missions in Cambodia with a longer-term goal in mind. Last year I came again to Cambodia, and when I came back to the States, I had a difficult time with re-entry to America. I prayed God would break my heart for America because at the time, my very own country was the one that was hardest for me to love. Little did I know how He would answer that prayer.

During the past school year I worked part time at Bonham Middle School, where I helped with an after-school program. It didn't take long to get to know the students through tutoring, soccer, crafts, and other activities, and work soon became a ministry opportunity as the students opened up about issues with friends, rough situations at home, and all the hard parts of life. When the last day of work came, I found myself surprisingly upset that I had to leave. As I thought about how much I loved these students, I realized that for the first time in years, I could see myself working with students like these for the rest of my life...in the United States. This was pretty earth-shattering, considering I'd made so many decisions (including my major) based on the belief I would live in Cambodia long-term. In the past three years, I had unwittingly placed much of my identity in this country and a desire for ministry here. I even told someone this semester, "When I'm in Cambodia, I feel alive!" Yet less than a week before I was to leave for Cambodia for the summer, I realized God had broken my heart for America.

Back to Psalm 37:4...I'd thought this verse meant that when we delighted in God, He would give us His dreams and desires for our life, which He would then fulfill. For three years, God had cultivated this passion for Cambodia in my heart - He placed a desire and dream in my heart - and He had provided opportunities to fulfill that desire and dream. But here I was, continuing to follow what I thought God had called me to and the dream that He'd placed in me...and that dream had changed. All of a sudden my desire to come to Cambodia wasn't so strong anymore, and I wanted to stay and finish the school year at Bonham. The very culture that was most difficult for me to come back to last year was now the most difficult for me to leave. How does that work?

As I've thought on this verse during my time here in Cambodia, I've come to understand that when we delight ourselves in the Lord, He doesn't simply give us His desires for our life; He becomes our utmost desire. The greatest desire is not a dream or ministry or life plan or even desire to tell others about Him. Not a desire to live in another country. Not that these dreams are bad, and I still believe God puts those in our hearts, too, though sometimes He changes and shapes them over time as we mature. But our foremost desire is to be for Him, to know Him and love Him and be more intimate with Him. The one desire that never changes as we grow in our faith is our desire for Him.


Living in Cambodia is not what makes me feel alive! "For to live is Christ..." (Phil 1:21). When I delight in the Lord, living is Christ. When I delight in the Lord, my utmost desire is for Him, not for Cambodia or the United States or for a country or people group or person. And no matter where I am, He gives me the desire of my heart, because the greatest desire He places in my heart is to know Him.

 

Will I live in the United States for the rest of my life? Will I live in Cambodia? Will I live in another country? I don't know. What I do know is as I seek Christ and delight in Him, He faithfully grants me the desire of my heart; He faithfully grants me the privilege of knowing Him more.

For that, I praise Him.

 

[As a side note, though it was difficult to leave the students at Bonham, I entrusted each of them to the Lord and know He is providing for them. I am so glad and grateful to be in Cambodia this summer, and I am enjoying my time here!!]

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