This morning, I knew I was empty. I felt flat and emotionless, thoroughly exhausted.
I felt like I'd turned my piggy bank over and shaken the very last pennies out, and now there was nothing left. Not a single penny. Just air. No jingle of metal on glass or weight of pennies inside. Completely empty and spent.
It was like the moments after a hard sprint, the kind where I run as fast as I can until I physically can't anymore. My arms pump and my knees rise high as my legs shoot up and down with shorter strides and increased frequency. I always know if I've really given it all I've got because when I haven't, I feel like I could do it again, a sprint all over again. When I do it right, I have no energy left. It's gone. There's nothing left to give.
That's how I feel today. No emotions remain to give. No energy is left to use up. I am thoroughly exhausted.
Until today, I've never been too exhausted to doubt the Lord. It's been an ongoing struggle to trust Him through this reentry and moving and new job process, but today, I found I just didn't have it in me to doubt. The easiest place for my brain to land was to trust Him. To say, Okay, and let go.
It's funny because I used to think it took a lot of work to trust God. I used to think it took a lot of energy and effort and intentionality, but here in this moment of utter exhaustion, I find it's the simplest - and the only - thing to do. Trust.
I don't generally enjoy exhaustion, but I'm enjoying this aspect of it tonight and the lesson I'm learning about trust. Of course!: seek first His kingdom, and trust He'll take care of the rest. I'm too tired to do anything else. In this moment, I'm aware of my limitations and lack of energy to try to even try to provide for myself.
For possibly the first time in my life, the easiest thing to do in this moment, is trust. This is a wonderful thing.